Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
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30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.