Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
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Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?