Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
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“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.