Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
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How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
You can’t rush stupid.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.