“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
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[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere