Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
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(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
security at the airport getting more straightforward
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”