I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
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“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse