I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
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[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol