I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
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interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Are you ok, human???
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*