wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
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Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
A woman drives into a bar.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
the icebreaker
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.