@deephora_

A woman drives into a bar.

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@bite_it_harder

My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!

@poutinesmoothie

I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.

@OakHill_

That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.

@oldfriend99

The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February

@NotthatAdamWest

Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.

@BaconBeefStrip

Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.

@MadHatterMommy

Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago

@Jenny4ashley

Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.