A woman drives into a bar. - @deephora_

My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.

[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]

[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]

[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]

[Everybody cuts foot loose]

To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.

*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin

@

Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?

Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.

Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.

Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?

Me: * climbs tree

[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim

My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.

Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?

Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month

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