A woman drives into a bar.

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My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!


I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.


That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.


The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February


Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.


Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.


Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago


Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.