A woman drives into a bar.
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You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.