“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
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I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.