Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
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THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Jesus Christ lmao
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV