Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
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Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1