Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
You Might Also Like
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
I triple waxed for this?
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day