I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
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I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”