I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
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Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there