Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
You Might Also Like
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder