Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
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[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows