STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
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A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
This is true.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
i really liked this one
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”