when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
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I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”