Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
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“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
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My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.