Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.

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I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.


I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.


Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.


Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.


*calls restaurant*

Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?

Host: Of course it is sir

*hangs up*


Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.

Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.


As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.


“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.


I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.