My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
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sugar glider wrangler
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.