*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
You Might Also Like
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.