@JennyJohnsonHi5

Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.

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@NikiWithIssues

What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.

@Shariv67

I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.

@see_more13

At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”

@osigat

I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.

@iRowlf

When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”

@RickAaron

This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.

@Pierre__4

If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind

@kelkulus

We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.

@Shade510

me: congrats on running that marathon.

her: thanks. I’m still sore.

me: because you didn’t win?

her: