Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
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ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.