Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.

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What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.


I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.


At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”


I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.


When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”


This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.


If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind


We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.


me: congrats on running that marathon.

her: thanks. I’m still sore.

me: because you didn’t win?