Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
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Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Swedish for common sense.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
we’re gonna need another temp
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
That lamp looks PISSED.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
live long and prosper!
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh