*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
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smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
yea so i messed up lol
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir