[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
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My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Plant care tips
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*