thankfully, most bananas are boneless
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Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
When I laugh on my period
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.