internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
You Might Also Like
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t