internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
You Might Also Like
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
is this a threat
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no