love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
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“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:
1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the deathIf you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
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ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
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What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.