love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
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“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
*Inspirational Tweets*
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.