Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
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Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Sorry not sorry.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people