Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
You Might Also Like
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
my favorite genre of twitter
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
he was correct
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple