If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
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Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
why would tinder want me to say this
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.