A charcuterie board is just dry soup
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Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Whisper out to librarians!
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.