With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
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You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
lol
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”