zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
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The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.