*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
You Might Also Like
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
🤣😂🤣
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*