Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
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Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
You wish you had this many chins.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Netflix and awkward silence?
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
My doctor says I only have one diabete.