You wish you had this many chins.
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I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
who will stop them
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?