I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
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I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”