People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
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The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Me checking my bank balance online.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.