For the ones in the back.
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Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
this chia pet tastes awful
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
A woman drives into a bar.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.