I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
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Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it鈥檚 tomorrow morning! Don鈥檛 be late!
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
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My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
twitter users today:
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Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
If you don鈥檛 wear pants, you鈥檒l never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I鈥檒l be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I鈥檓 looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That鈥檚 my specialty.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO