I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
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Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
“I wouldn’t.”
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.