My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
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Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
That’s no pocket rocket.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Netflix and you sit over there.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
i choose….tongue
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no