“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
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Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.