it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
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Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
accurate
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school