My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
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There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?