kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
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Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Only Americans understand
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons