I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
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I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman