I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
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Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
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Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
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I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.