I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
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*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
One of the best
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
I know this now 😂
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.