Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
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Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.